He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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