I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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