took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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