Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
3 2 1 whiskey
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
