Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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