you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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