Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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