I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
