Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
