hotel room ftw
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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