i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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