There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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