Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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