How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize