im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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