do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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