i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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