he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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