Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
