The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
