How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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