we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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