my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
