the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
