I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
