every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
