That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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