he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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