My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
