I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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