Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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