Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
