New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
