Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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