If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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