I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize