I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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