I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
