I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
