Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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