you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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