He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I love you. Go after that dick
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize