Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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