I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
