Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
