We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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