No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
