I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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