i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize