I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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