Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
