Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
