I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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