Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
