Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
