hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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