After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
